You Don’t Need A Woman to Be Happy
There was a time in life when I thought I needed a woman to be happy so when I was single, finding a woman to settle down with was my highest priority, but here’s the thing – you don’t need a woman to be happy, content or feel like life matters.
This isn’t the job of any woman on this planet.
Don’t get me wrong I adore women, being in the loving presence of an amazing woman is one of the joys of being a man, but here’s the problem.
I am sure you’ll agree that for most men, one of the biggest quests in a man’s life’s is to find that women who will make him happy.
It seems like a natural endeavor. When you’re single it’s easy to look at your friends who are happily married and wish you had what they had.
It looks like the feelings of happiness, love and contentment associated with a loving relationship are the creation of the relationship, but this isn’t true.
It’s a misconception, which to not see is OK if the relationship stays the course, but often that’s not the case and when they end, it can turn out to be a really painful and traumatic life event.
How does this happen? Well…when you’re in love with a woman you care for, it can look like those feelings of happiness occur as a result of the woman you’re with.
But as I’ve mentioned that’s not true.
Your feelings only ever originate from one place your thoughts but if you don’t see that your experience of life, of a relationship is created moment by moment by your thinking, it might mean as it did for me, that if the relationship ends, you confuse your sadness with the change of circumstance rather than the fact your thinking sad thoughts.
This is why so many men fall into a depression when their woman walks out on them.
This happened to me back in 2001 when I split from my ex wife. Overnight I transformed from an outgoing, confident guy into a man who felt like his world had ended. I felt lost, lonely, unworthy and of course insecure.
Whilst I probably got what I deserved, and a little bit of suffering was perhaps what I needed. The breakup effects lasted a long time. I lost confidence, resilience and resolve for many years because I thought she was the key to my happiness.
It was completely innocent.
I mean who wants to live their lives feeling that way? I certainly didn’t.
But back then I didn’t have anyone showing me how life really worked, so alcohol and drugs were the things I used to help me fill the emptiness and avoid the pain I thought was being created by not having the woman I loved in my life anymore.
I could have sworn back then that she was the key to my happiness. So much so that I made it my mission to get her back.
I spent the next 3 years ‘pursuing’ my ex wife in a vow to make amends and put right the mistakes I’d made. In the end I got what I wanted, ironically when I’d figured out being needy wasn’t the answer.
Unfortunately it didn’t last. It was complicated, but the relationship had run its course. During our time apart our lives had evolved in different directions, but still I didn’t want to let go of what I’d made the crux of my happiness and security.
Time and time again I was fooled by my own thinking that she was what I needed to feel secure in myself. I was so far off the mark.
Our natural state is one of calm when our mind is clear and we’re not lost in a sea of contaminated thoughts, which like tricksters try to sell us an illusory reality of life.
When we buy into these thoughts that take us into feelings of insecurity, away from who we really are, we get lost and disorientated.
That’s what happened to me by believing my future happiness depended on this woman being in my life. I didn’t know back then that with every tricky thought, there’s an equally competent detective, which always lets you know the truth behind what your thinking in the moment, in every moment – your feelings.
Your feelings can’t tell you anything about whether the relationship is right or wrong or whether a woman loves you but they do accurately report the nature of your thinking.
If your thoughts are grounded in insecurity, e.g. “I need her to be happy” or “I can’t live without her”. It is no wonder I begged, pleaded and pursued for so long until I got what I thought was the source of my manhood back.
Love had a lot to do with my actions, she meant the world to me but I’m sure I’d have behaved differently if I’d known then how life really worked.
If you think you need a woman to be content with your life, your search for a woman will overtake you. It will become the focus of everything you do. That isn’t healthy.
The thing is, it’s unlikely you’ll find that special woman until you’re truly grounded in who you are.
Whilst ever you place your security and success in life in the hands of a woman, you’re setting yourself up for pain along the way.
Relationships are nourishing if both parties are grounded in a sense of security in themselves. If not they can turn out to be a living nightmare! The most important thing you can do is work on the relationship you have with yourself.
Peer through the bullshit that rules many men’s lives and in doing so you’ll get to see that the greatest success you’ll ever have in any relationship, is by first understanding who you are.
I am not suggesting you close yourself off. Stay open to the possibility of an amazing women walking in to your life. Just be aware of whether you think you need a woman to fill something that’s missing in you. If so deepen this understanding before you look outside to someone else to provide that sense of belonging you maybe craving.
You really don’t need a woman to feel like you’re OK or good enough, it’s a delusion but sometimes especially if you’re single, it can look this way. The most important thing you can do to finding lasting love is to get comfortable in your own skin. This will avoid you looking to someone else to fill an illusory hole, you’re already whole!
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